.

At this point, I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have about Karl Rove, Valerie Wilson, Bob Novak, --"

"Scott! Scott! Does the White House have any comment on whether Corey Greenberg got the shave he was hoping for after his workout today at the Y?"

"Scott! Scott! What does the President have to say about reports that the sweat Mr. Greenberg was able to work up this morning as he mindlessly stair-climbed to nowhere was, in fact, the 'smoking gun' at the heart of Shavegate?"

"Scott! Scott! Any truth to the rumor that Supreme Court nominee John Roberts once received a barbershop shave at the Federalist Society's 'Shave-Con '98" at the Circus Circus casino in Las Vegas?"

"Scott! Scott! Nobody holds the White House press secretary to the same sartorial standards as the leader of the free world or even a night manager at a Stuckey's, but don't you know that nothing says 'my favorite band of all time is Mike and the Mechanics' like wearing a dress shirt with a second 'fat wrist' button at the shirt cuff?"

I'll be happy to answer of your questions one at a time, thank you.

In answer to the first question, no, the White House has no comment on Mr. Greenberg or what kind of shave he may or may not have gotten today, or any other day.

Second, the President does not concern himself with the sweat of private citizens, unless that sweat happens to be the Vice-President's, in which case he may bite down on either of the so-called 'fat buttons' on my shirt cuffs, which happen to be nitro-glycerin pills. I'm guessing that answered your question as well, David? Okay, are there any more questions before we wrap this up?

"Scott, why is Corey Greenberg hiding behind this charade when he could simply come right out and admit that:

1. He purposefully exercised hard enough at the YMCA today to work up enough sweat to soak his entire head and upper chest with beard-softening sweat;

2. He then shaved in his usual way, with a Merkur Progress DE razor, Vulfix travel brush, and Proraso shave soap; and

3. He did in fact get what has been referred to in the Blogosphere as a 'Bob Beamon' shave, so named for the legendary long jump champion whose flukish record-setting jump in '68 stunned the world?"

John, I think I can answer that question. It's clear that Mr. Greenberg does not want to admit that it's the sweat of a good, hard workout which is the secret to those incredibly close and comfortable shaves he got at the Y locker room last week and yes, again today.

It's also clear that Mr. Greenberg doesn't want to admit this because he's afraid that his obsession with possessing the native ability to shave himself in such a manner whether he breaks a sustained sweat or not will drive him to sweating like a pig before every shave, which of course is impossible.

Finally, Mr. Greenberg doesn't want to be standing there at his bathroom sink at home on the mornings he must, because of his schedule or what-have-you, shave without first sweating, and then be thinking the whole time "I didn't sweat, what do I do, I didn't sweat, what do I do, how can I compensate, what can I do, I didn't sweat, got to watch Wopner, what do I do, I didn't sweat.."

That is all that I have to say about this individual and this so-called "Shavegate". Thank you very much.

(McLellan walks out of the press room, and soon the press corps files out as well, leaving the room empty. A few moments pass, and then McLellan sneaks back behind the podium, grabs the microphone off of the desk stand, and begins to sing.)

All I need is a miracle.....all I nee-eed is you!