.

Well.

I had to hose down my in-box with liquid nitrogen today, because it was about to melt down from all the frantic emails I received from shavegeeks desperate to learn the secret identity of the mystery razor I've been using.

Honestly, I had no idea you guys cared all that much about what goes on here. You make up perhaps 5% of the visitors to this blog, after all. And judging from the tedious and predictable methane you keep expelling, you're more than secure in A. your perpetual ineptitude when it comes to shaving and B. your avowed indifference to He Who Shall Not, or Shan't Not, or whatever.

But the in-box begs to differ.

"Hey dude! I'm a RILLY RILLY BIG fan of Shaveblog, and you are my Personal Jesus! God, it feels so good to say that, and to shed the pseudo-Brit affectations I put on at SMF! BTW, I'm naked whilst I type this. So anyway, what's the razor you've discovered?? I have to know!"

"C-Dog! What up, G? Yo yo yo, T-Man in da HOWSE! Shizzle my nizzle, ya'll just GOTS to spill da beanz! I know I've dissed you, but T-Man needs to get bizzay on eBizzle and cop whatever razor you giving mad props to! PS L'Shana Tova and I hope you and your family had a nice Yom Kippur."

"corey, i've bought like every razor known to man -- every merkur, every gillette, every feather, hell, i've even tried shaving with a craftsman belt sander, but i can't get my neck smooth unless i use all of the above at the same time along with a cheese grater for touch-up. logic would indicate that a "magic pill" for super close shaving doesn't actually exist, that my problem has been me all along and not my razors, and that i will never be a hairless eight year-old again, but anyhoo, can u please tell me what magic pill razor you've discovered so i can get one and try it and be dissapointed all over again by yet another razor/blade/etc. that doesn't instantly solve all my problems for me?"

Misty-eyed though I was at this outpouring of love (That Dare Not Speak...ah hell, I'm as ham-fisted at this stuff as you lummoxes), I'm not sure that identifying the ______ razor would be such a good idea. As much as I'd like to give the 95% of this blog's regular readers around the world a helpful tip on nabbing an excellent vintage razor that might help them get a better shave than even the most vaunted He-Man razors commonly touted all over the Web, it's clear that the Five Percenters -- even the ones who denounce He Who Shall Not and Thy Blog Which Shan't and the Little Engine That Could the loudest -- are chomping at the bit to rush over to eBay and start another feeding frenzy that would push the prices of these razors to silliness.

That said, I can help you 95%ers narrow it down. The ______ razor is an old DE double-edge model. It is not in current production. It is not adjustable. It is not terribly popular with the shavegeeks (no surprise there).

And it shaves like a dream with a 15-cent Personna blade. Put a Merkur in it, like I did this morning, and you won't want to shave with anything else.

Look, you 5%ers, does it really matter to you what model this razor is? You already can't manage to get a good shave with far more aggressive razors than the _______, so it's not like this thing's going to help you any. The reason you can't shave is because of you, not the razor. if you've tried Merkurs and old Gillettes and Injectors you're still not happy, the _______ ain't your savior.

The more I think about it, the more I think I should keep this thing to myself. Last thing I need is another Injector feeding frenzy on my conscience. If you want a great DE razor, go buy a Merkur HD. Hell, buy two of them so you can have one in your travel kit.

Forget I said anything about the ________. Pat yourself on the back for deducing that I'm actually using a ladies' razor, or that I'm putting up a smoke screen to throw you guys off the Injector trail so prices come down and I can buy another couple dozen of them, because I certainly can't get by with only the couple dozen of these things I've already got. Who could?

So you beat me. Yay for you. Now can you please go away so I can tell the 95%ers what razor they should pick up as fast as they can while they're still cheap on eBay?